How to Have Tough Conversations
As a fundraiser, you talk to a variety of people — board members, donors, co-workers, the people you serve. Powder-keg topics routinely come up in conversation, particularly now, when election season division is mixed with intense Israel-Hamas debate and culture-war furor.
How do you navigate those conversations — for yourself and your organization? My colleague Rasheeda Childress gathered expert advice.
If your conversation will touch on a controversial issue, set the stage, says Lara Schwartz, director of the American University Project on Civil Dialogue.
“The best thing we can do in advance of a conversation is make our shared intentions clear,” she says. If the goal is to learn about the other person’s view, say that. Conversation partners are likely to put up defenses or argue if they believe the goal is persuasion.
Shared goals can help if the conversation veers off track, says Katie Hyten, co-executive director of Essential Partners, a nonprofit that helps people build relationships across their differences. “lf you start to see things ratcheting up, you can say, ‘I just want to come back to that purpose.’”
When conversations get heated, the body’s defenses can take over. There’s a fight-or-flight response biologically when you’re attacked, says Sarah Cross, vice president of free speech and peace at the grant maker Stand Together.
“We’re not particularly capable psychologically of responding productively once we’re full of all those stress hormones,” she says. Pay attention to your body’s signals. “Are you sweating? Is your heart racing? Do you feel nervous? If so, the best thing to do might be to step away for a minute to take deep breaths in and out.”
If the other person is getting heated, create an off-ramp. “If you see that they’re no longer able to tap into their best selves, offer a break,” Hyten says. “Say, ‘Let’s go grab a cup of coffee,’ or ‘Let’s maybe go for a walk and come back to this in a few minutes.’”
Cross and Hyten note that it takes 20 minutes to reach equilibrium after fight-or-flight hormones kick in. If you don’t want a long break, lean into another innately human trait: curiosity.
“When things get tough, ask a question like, ‘I really want to understand what you’re saying. Could you tell me a little bit about what’s at the heart of this matter for you?’” Hyten says.
Also: It’s a good idea to think of one or two of these questions ahead of time. They should aim at deeper understanding, Cross adds. “There’s a way to ask questions that feel like an interrogation, and there’s a way to ask questions that feel like you’re really trying to get to know the other person.” Be willing to answer the same questions. “Even if they don’t ask, you can share your answer, too.”
For more expert advice on navigating conversations about hot-button issues, read Rasheeda’s full article.